An Adventure to Remember: Magicians and Drunks
by Jericho the Temperate
Summary: An adventure that spans multiple worlds, a band of heroes that come from the far corners of the multiverse. Watch as our heroes they cross the multiverse having epic adventures, follow them as they frantically retrace their footsteps trying to clean up their mess.


_Hello everyone, this is an idea that came as the result of playing too much skyrim and thinking too much about the Fate/Stay universe. It's a what if that's quite fun to speculate on. This is my take on what would have happened if these characters really encountered each other in these circumstances._

_Disclaimer: All the anime, books, games etc that are used in this fic are the property of their respective creators and are in no way mine._

* * *

The Story

* * *

The Clock Tower it was the headquarters of one of the three branches of the Magus association, the organization that, for lack of a better word, regulated the activities of magi around the world. Existing right under the noses of the mundane populace, the magi of the world had powers that most would dismiss as fantasy, and the influence of the Association ensured that, firstly they would keep their powers secret from the world, and secondly, that they would not abuse their power and take advantage of the helpless mundanes. Granted, that second objective was kind of low priority compared to the first. The Clock Tower was the branch of the Association that was the most active in the world, and it held the most influence, its diverse membership ranged from rookie magi to bloodlines that went back centuries, the magi themselves practiced many kinds of magecraft, resulting in magi that specialized in a variety of fields, from combat experts to alchemists to summoners to healers. While the actual organizational structure of the Clock Tower was a maze of bureaucracy that defied human understanding, all of it was coordinated under two Wizard Martials. And while the rest of the power structure might be complicated, the concept behind a Wizard Martial was quite simple, find the most badass magus around and use him to keep the others in check. At this point in time there were two of them, the Wizard Martial and the Deputy Wizard Martial. It was the deputy who handled most of the work, as the Wizard Martial himself was, to put it politely, a recluse.

That same Deputy Wizard Martial, Barthomeloi Lorelei, a pleasant looking young woman whose near legendary skill in magecraft was equaled only by her equally superior attitude, was currently striding down the corridors of the Association headquarters to the office of her superior. She had heard that the man had, for once decided to stop by his office and at least pretend to be doing his job, and she was determined to catch him before he could slip away again. She made a point to get a hold of him during these stopovers and fill him in on the latest happenings of the secret world they policed, and make sure that he didn't pick some poor bastard to be his apprentice again.

When she opened the door to the Wizard Martials study however, the poor woman had to take a moment to make sure that she hadn't taken the wrong turning by mistake and ended up in the wrong office. When she did confirm that this was indeed the room she was looking for, she took another moment to make sure that she hadn't taken leave of her senses, or, more likely, walked in on some weird experiment.

Because in front of her stood Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Wizard Martial, Dead Apostle Ancestor and Wielder of the Second True Magic.

He was in his underwear.

There was also a goat in the study. An actual goat. Lorelei winced as her treacherous mind came up with several suggestions as to exactly what the old man had been doing with said goat before she got here. And by the look on the mans face, he knew what she was thinking.

Zelretch had been bent over, trying to get the goat to let go of his trousers, which the animal had been happily chewing on, when Lorelei had come inside. When he had heard the door open he had immediately straightened and turned to face the door, bringing both of them face to face. Somewhere in the back of her mind Lorelei noted that the old man actually looked good in his undies, all tanned skin and grizzled white haired chest, but that thought was hastily shoved even further back into her mind as she raised an eyebrow at her superior, that one gesture indicating her opinion of the situation she had found him in.

"Eh heh heh, Hello Lorelei my dear, how are you this fine morning?" The old magician asked with a semi embarrassed grin. "Give me just a moment will you" With that he went back to liberating his pants from the goat.

Lorelei took the chance to take a look around the old mans study. It seemed to her that the goat wasn't the only thing that was out of place here. For one, on top of the large writing desk there was what appeared to be a large yellow plush toy wearing a tiny black hat, there was also a full suit of armor laying on the ground that looked like it belonged to an ancient Chinese warlord, but this armor looked brand new, all shining black lacquer and gold inlay. And that was not all, leaning against the far wall of the room was a broom stick, an actual broom stick that looked like it came from a Hollywood movie. And, no her eyes were not deceiving her, next to the broomstick was a pile of woman's underwear, a closer look showed that all of them were signed, Lorelei closed her eyes, signed, as in, given to the old bastard as a memento. Wait a minute, those, things, they were far too small to have been worn by an adult women. Just as the implications froze the poor woman, the voice from behind bought her attention back to the now suspected pervert.

"Ah, that's so much better" The Wizrd Marial said as he pulled his pants on.

"Baaaaaaa" The goat complained in annoyance, not happy at having its chew toy taken away.

"Now Lorelei my dear, let me begin by assuring you that this isn't at all what it looks like" Zelretch said while making shushing motions at the goat. "There is a perfectly logical explanation for everything you see here"

"Really?" The woman so addressed folded her arms across her chest. "Then by all means old man, give me a logical explanation, paying particular attention to the goat in your study and the pile of autographed female underwear that looks like they once belonged to middle school girls"

"Ah yes those" The old man nervously scratched the back of his head and surreptitiously tried to kick some things under the desk where Lorelei couldn't see them. "All of these are just mementos from some of my adventures. It's as simple as that"

"Adventures?" Lorelei snorted.

"Well actually just one adventure"

"Baaaaaa" The goat seemed to be backing up Zelretch's story, it was also yanking something out from behind the writing desk, where it had lain concealed till now.

It was a latex body suit. Certain areas of the body suit were cut out so that when worn by someone those cut out bits would show the skin underneath. This was the kind of latex bodysuit worn by ladies who wore cat masks and carried riding crops.

"What the hell" Lorelei was speechless.

"Ah shit" Zelretch once more tried to persuade the goat to let go, resulting in a minor tug of war.

"Zelretch" Lorelei growled. "Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg!"

Said magician looked up from where he was arguing with the goat.

"What the hell have you been up to? Have you completely taken leave of your senses? Start explaining right now! What is the meaning of this?"

Zelretch sighed and scratched the back of his head once more "I told you m'dear, I went on an...adventure, and these are little keepshakes I picked up along the way"

"Even the goat?"

"Even Gleda"

"Excuse me?"

"That's her name" Zelretch nodded at the goat now happily chewing on the latex. "A...certain villain kidnapped her and sold her to a giant, and my friends and I went and rescued her, but we never had the time to return her to her rightful owner, so the poor thing has to stay with me"

"..."

"Baaaaaaaaa" Gleda, as she was now identified, seemed to once more confirm the story.

Lorelei Barthomeloi took a deep calming breath. She reminded herself that she was a Barthomeloi, and she must act with the dignity and poise that was worthy of a scion of that noble house. Just to be safe though, she wouldn't trust her voice just yet, and simply nodded to the pile of undergarments on the floor next to the broomstick.

"Oh the Firebolt" Zelretch looked fondly at the broom. "She's a beauty, worth every galleon. She handles like a dream"

It took her a moment to realize that he was talking about the broom.

"Zelretch!" She snapped, cutting off the old man in mid sentence. "I'm not talking about the damn broom! I'm talking about the" She indicated the pile of undies once more.

"Oh those" The old man sighed fondly. "A little going away present from the girls of 3-A. I was their teacher for a while you see, the little darlings"

"..."

Lorelei almost yelled again, but remembered the dignity of the Barthomeloi just in time. Besides she was starting to get a sneaking suspicion that the old magician was doing this on purpose to get her riled up. So she decided to let the underwear go for now and focus on the other stuff. After taking a few calming breaths she pointed wordlessly at the yellow plush toy on the desk.

"That's Cheese-Kun, a present from the accomplice of a friend" Zelretch promptly supplied.

Well that is relatively normal.

"Nice girl, considering she's an immortal pizza eating witch"

Normal. Lorelei Barthomeloi found herself having to hold in hysterical laughter.

"She and my friend, he was an emperor you know, conquered countries left and right, but that was before he died, he gave up all that after he died and spends most of his time riding around in a haycart, they was nice enough to lend us their cart to travel the multiverse. Saved a lot of trouble let me tell you"

"..."

Lorelei was getting a handle on just what happened to the poor bastards Zelretch picked to be his apprentices.

"Baaaaaaaaa" Gleda had stopped chewing on the latex suit and was roaming the room, no doubt looking for more 'mementos' to chew on.

"Zelretch" Lorelei finally managed to say in a relatively calm voice after slowly counting from one to hundred. "Can you please explain what is going on here? In a manner I can actually understand?"

The old magician took a good look at the poor woman and finally decided to take pity on her.

"It's quite simple dear" He absently patted Gleda on the head as she rubbed against his leg. "I went on a little trip through the kaleidoscope, met some interesting people, and had one hell of an adventure with them. But for you to understand the ins and out of the tale, it might be best if I began at the beginning, why don't you take a seat and get comfortable? It's a rather long story" He indicated the chairs sitting in front of the large writing desk.

"And be careful with that, that's an original Air Nomad robe" He added as Lorelei removed the offending robe from the chair so she could sit. Lorelei couldn't see what the fuss was about, it looked like any eastern monks robe to her, but she carefully set the outfit on the table before taking her seat.

Once she was seated Zeltrech seated himself across the table from her and leaned back in his chair. Absently Lorelei noted that he still wasn't wearing a shirt, equally absently she noted that his chest was rather toned and his shoulders remarkably wide, then she realized what she had been absently thinking and very presently told those thoughts to go away.

"The Kaleidoscope, the second of the True Magics, is a wondrous thing, for it allowes you to see the world not as a singular entity that is one of a kind, that is comfortably solid and firm, grounding all of its inhabitants in firm reality, but as just one of an infinite number of 'could have beens', a single raindrop in a thunderstorm, what we blithely believed was unshakable and unique turns out to be commonplace and brittle" Zeltrech began with the tone of a storyteller, and Lorelei couldn't help but get caught up by the old magicians tone.

"But just as the kaleidoscope is facinating, it is also dangerous, those of us who are blessed enough to explore its mysteries must remember that fact above all as we travel through the infinite realities, because actions, especially careless actions taken in the kaleidoscope can have far reaching consequences. This is a lesson even the oldest and wisest of us would do well to heed, as I have learned to my sorrow"

The old magician looked at his audience, one young woman and one prize winning goat, and smiled. Stories were meant to be told, and even an audience of two was better then letting a tale go untold. So long as a single person heard a story, they might tell another, and that person might tell another, and so on. And, as long as a single person remembered the story, the people named in the tale would also be remembered, even if it was in a world far far away from the worlds that they lived in.

"This tale begins in the little town called Morthal, gloomy, misty, and surrounded by a swamp, Morthal isn't a cheerful place, but it was full of hard headed and good hearted people. As I said, Morthal was a little town, but it did have a nice inn, both to accommodate the townsfolk who come in for a night of drinking and the odd traveler"

* * *

The warmth and firelight inside the Moorside Inn was a welcome change from the damp and gloom outside, with the fog rolling in from the surrounding swamps, Morthal was not a pleasant place to take a walk in. Zelretch had heard rumors of vampire activity in and around this town after he had first arrived in this world, and he had arrived to investigate, intent of learning more about the vampires of Tamriel, who were very different from the ones back home. Apparently vampirism in this world was caused by a disease called 'sanguinary vampiris' and was contracted by being attacked by a vampire. Zelretch found it fascinating.

He had rented out a room from the inkeeper, intending to spend the night and start his investigation in the morning, right now he was just sitting at one of the chairs and listening to the local bard play. That was when he heard the voice.

"You look like someone who can hole their liquor, how about a friendly contest to win a staff"

Zelretch stopped in his tracks and turned to the source of the voice, an ordinary little man with olive skin, black hair combed back, and bloodshot eyes from way too many drinks. The man was dressed in a simple robe like those worn by monks or wizards, and was even now he was holding a mug in one hand and a canteen in another as he gave the magician a good natured smile.

Zeltrech couldn't help himself from grinning back at the challenger. He had always had a head for drink, but since becoming a Dead Apostle, his alcohol tolerance was off the charts, he could quite literally, drink an entire bar full of people under the table, and still walk straight afterwards. This poor sod didn't know what he was getting into.

"A drinking contest?" The old magician snorted. "You don't stand a chance!"

"We'll see about that, this here is a special brew, very strong stuff" The little man stood up from his seat at the table and held an empty mug out to Zelretch. "The name is Sam, Sam Guevenne. Are you sure you are up to taking my challenge?"

"And I'm Zelretch. I hereby accept your challenge!" Zelretch took the offered mug and watched as it was filled.

When both mugs were full to the brim both men raised them in salute and, at the count of three, tilted them back.

Zelretch blinked, he had actually _felt_ that one, Sam was right, this drink must be a special brew if it could get through to him. But he wasn't about to back down, he resolutely held out his mug for the second drink as Sam poured it in.

"Ready? Down the hatch" And down the hatch it went. By now Zelretch was beginning to feel a little woozy, but he wasn't about to give up anytime soon.

"So how was that huh? Had enough yet my friend?"

"Are you kidding?" Zelretch grinned drunkenly. "I'm only getting started, pour away my lad pour away"

"All right" Sam grinned back at him as he poured the third round. "You my friend are a man after my own heart. Let the drink flow!"

And the drink flowed. It flowed on for four more rounds before Sam finally called a halt in a slurred halting voice.

"I think I've hit my limit on these things buddy, you win the contest, you sir are a true champion of drink"

"Thash grape!" Zelrech grinned like an idiot and pulled Sam into a hug.

"Say, you are a fun guy to drink with. Tell you what why don't you and I do something else fun? Huh?"

"Fun? Wha kind o fun?" A very drunken Zelretch tried to get his head around the idea.

"Tell you what, lets go all around Skyrim and spread the message of merriment."

Zelretch giggled and put his arm around Sam's shoulder in a conspiratorial manner. "I'll tell you a secret" He giggled again. "I'm not really from this world. I got this little trick up my sleeve called the kaleidoscope, it's a special kind of magic that let's me travel from one world to another. So" He gestured grandly. "Why don't we cause some trouble all over the multiverse!"*

'Sam' grinned back at him. "Good plan!"

* * *

_There it is. The latest idea of mine. I'm still debating about weather or not to turn this into a full blown fic or stop it as a oneshot. Do tell me if you think it should be continued. And where else should our heroes visit on their adventure? I've given some hints as to just where they have been and what they might have done, but I'm sure that was just the tip of the ice-berg._

_This fic idea came from one of my favorite missions of skyrim and thinking just what would happen if someone else other than the dragonborn got into the drinking contest. The character with the most potential I could think of was Zelretch. With the kaleidoscope user drunk out of his mind and with Sam to egg him on, things are going to get interesting across multiple worlds.:) _

_* The text here is translated into human readable form, because the actual words spoken by the drunken Zelretch would have made no sense what so ever to anyone who wasn't a deadra._


End file.
